THE CAST: Rear, from left, Jade Louise, Ngahere "Nuz" Ngatai, Cole Smith, Tame Noema, DJ Tuini, Nathan "Nate Waii" Waikato, Alby Waititi and front, fromt left, Jade Ruwhiu, Jessi Nugent, Rosanna and Zane.
Last week the furious reaction to The GC's first episode threatened to bring the nation spluttering to a standstill from the breathless rage.
How could $419,000 of taxpayers' money be spent on such half-baked tripe? Why should we care, or watch, a reality show about a group of young Maori (Mozzies) trying to make it on Australia's Gold Coast? And how did they all get so ripped? Was it with our money?
Join us as we chronicle what happened in Episode II, The GC Strikes Back.
The opening sequence: Tame gives us a brief recap, the sun is shining, he feels hot, everything is hot. And, apparently, the girls are easy.
Three minutes: Thank god for the soothing piano music after the hotness of the opening. Something must be wrong, though.
Four minutes: May be not, Rosie is wearing a hot-pink one-piece... but she's picking glass up off the floor. Yep, something is wrong.
The party has not ended well. Rosie is annoyed with Jade, the bloke not the female one with the hard face. It's definitely his fault, he's an angry boozer.
She tells Jessi (no, her name is not missing the e), his girlfriend. There's no tension. Is it because she knows deep down that there's an issue or is it just a case of wooden acting? Or the hangover? She's in a one-piece too.
Rosie is really working herself up (well, kind of), all men are like dogs - they'll do something wrong and then think mummy will love them again anyway. You go girl.
Six minutes: It's Tame again. He's walking back to the whare (apartment) half-naked, in slowmo. How can he be so goddamn hot all the time? Clever of the camera to be there for the perfect shot.
Apparently he's a roaring lion on the savannah of sex that is the Gold Coast (he scored, as the subtitles paraphrase it).
He adds, in case we hadn't got the message earlier: "Aussie girls are easy - ain't going to get that in Wellington."
Seven minutes: Nate, the wannabe rapper, says he doesn't need to try with girls because they are "pretty slutty here". Somehow it sounds like a cry for help. He goes a bit cross-eyed, which doesn't put one at ease. Neither does his rap to camera or the number of bicep flexes that follow.
More shots of half-naked people on the GC. Who killed all the real people? I thought Australia was the second most obese country in the world.
Nine minutes: Rosie is still on Jade's case but she's out of the pink one-piece. She's telling boyfriend Zane about an abusive message she left on Jade's phone. Then, OMG, he walks in and there's silence - it's not tense though. More like a silent film with bad mime.
Eventually, Rosie confronts Jade. There's no fireworks and he admits he's ill-tempered when drunk. Quite grown up, really.
11 minutes: Nate meets up with DJ Tuini in an attempt to push his rapping credentials, except he's too shy to rap in front of her.
It's not a confidence thing, however, because he doesn't stalk girls, they stalk him. He also says he wants to be an actress (he did, you watch the show again).
The ads kick in. Dai Henwood has his shirt off in one. You wouldn't say that was hot.
15 minutes: We're back. DJ Tuini has hurt Nate by laughing at his admission he's a stripper. He gives her the silent treatment before trying to build a bridge by saying she doesn't get music. Ouch.
17 minutes - Jessi is preparing for her glamour shoot. Sorry, her glamour shoot test session. She's wearing a tiny bright orange number - who's doing the wardrobe for this show?
She's most worried about her bloodshot eyes after last night's party, but Jade's disturbing behaviour gets a mention. Mainly, I think, because Rosie is with her and won't, ever so politely, stop going on about it. It's a bit like a ventriloquist and her dummy. Jessi is tilting her head sideways while talking, so must be upset.
19 minutes: Cole, the personal trainer, is giving Jade and Tame a workout. The lads are punishing themselves after last night's drinkathon. "Only time you stop bro is when you black out or shit yourself," Cole says.
Cue shots of the ladz pumping iron - this is also hot stuff. Tame says he wants to spew from both ends.
"I'm wrecked cuz... but if you want to get the freak on... you've got to have the body too."
20 minutes: Back at the glamour test shoot Jessi feels hungover and uncomfortable... no wonder, she's now in a stranger's bathroom wearing a postage stamp.
25 minutes: A good, long ad break comes to an end. Why did this show need NZ On Air funding? Dai Henwood is advertising something else this time. Clothes on, thank god.
Jessi says this is her big chance but she's nervous and is dripping with sweat; the makeup is running away. It's pretty much all she is wearing, so is quite the concern. The photographer, unsurprisingly, is mightily impressed.
There's time for a deep and meaningful with Rosie though. These scripted, oops, I mean completely spur-of-the-moment chats are great. Rosie is still, politely, harping on about Jade.
27 minutes: But Jade is a complicated character. He's getting a moko on his heaving chest because he misses his NZ heritage and wants to maintain his connection with it. NZ On Air breathes a sigh of relief. Give that man a beer...
29 minutes: DJ Tuini calls Brother D, the first unripped character in the show, about Nate. Brother D is big in music. Like a poor, but well-fed man's Jay-Z.
30 minutes: Rosie is still going on about Jade, this time with Alby (billed as her best friend). She wants to know who he thinks was the hottest person at the party last night - he answers Zane, her boyfriend. Shock horror, Alby admits he likes guys and girls.
The condensed view: It's all very homoerotic despite all those hot, easy Australian girls.
Tune in next week when Rosie politely struggles to come to terms with Alby's supposed revelation. Alby, her best friend.
What did you think of the second show? Leave a comment below.
- © Fairfax NZ News
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