How to shut people up at the movies

Jean-Paul Sartre said that hell is other people. I would like to amend that to hell is other people - in cinemas.

Is it too much to ask that people sit quietly for a couple of hours and enjoy a movie without chatting to their friends, texting and even answering the phone?

I remember a few years back a woman's phone went off in the cinema. I expected her to immediately turn the phone off out of shame. No. She answered it, had a five-minute conversation with her friend and then followed that up with a couple of texts. She had two more conversations on that damn cellphone before the movie was over.

Is it fair to blame the cellphone for poor cinema etiquette? Sometimes, I think it has changed our behaviour, our sense of privacy and our boundaries. It has made it OK to have a private conversation in a public place.

I remember another screening where a gang of kids had no interest in watching Peter Jackson's King Kong. They were roaming the cinema causing mischief and throwing things at each other. Everyone was relieved when they left through the fire exit at about the same time our heroes arrived at Skull Island.

But it's not only young people. I often find that groups of elderly women struggle to stop talking when the film starts. I remember during a screening of Julie & Julia (lovely film) I had to do the Paddington Hard Stare to make an elderly couple shut up.

Which brings me to my next point. What are the best techniques to make people behave in the cinema?

I have a phased response. I give people the first five or 10 minutes of the film to settle down and finish their conversations, but after that I move into Code Green.

Code Green involves turning in my seat to stare at the offenders for long enough to make them feel uncomfortable. This is usually all I have to do.

But, if this doesn't work I move into Code Orange. This involves turning in my seat, staring at them again and then asking: "Could you be quiet, please?" For an introverted coward like me, Code Orange takes courage.

If that doesn't work, I move to Code Red. I have rarely had to do this, but Code Red involves snitching on them to the usher - if you can find an usher in a multiplex these days.

Aren't I brave? I am sure hardier souls than me really get into it and scare people into silence.

My partner, the Essex Princess, got so exasperated with two teenage boys at a screening, she changed seats to sit right next to them. Every time they spoke, she would lean in as if to avidly join the conversation. This embarrassed them into silence. Awesome. That's my girl.

So, tell me your horror stories. What is the worst piece of cinema behaviour you have ever witnessed? Who are the worst offenders? How do you tackle cineplex hecklers?

Has cinema etiquette got worse in the days of cellphones and minimal ushers?

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